Welcome to The Clever Rascal Blog
I am putting together this blog because as a real estate broker I know we could all use good laugh these days. It is also sort of a podcast tribute to the housing crisis/credit crunch/recession. I hope you will all join me on this blog and enjoy its content. I know it will make you happier. All we can do now is laugh, release, and rebuild. Now that the finger pointing is wrapping up and the anger is subsiding lets all come together and reconstruct our nation’s prosperity. The content will be changing frequently so keep coming on back now ya here! Enjoy.
Life of a Realtor
NEW IMPROVED SPEEDY APPRAISAL FORM
Customer Name:________________________________________
Subject Property Address:_____________________________
_______________________________
Description of Subject Property and Neighborhood:
Subject property is located in _______________________, a popular, well-maintained area that has enjoyed dramatic appreciation over the past year. Most buyers appeared to be unconcerned with size or overall utility of these homes, and seemed to be paying between $____________ and $____________, regardless of difference in appearance, condition, age, etc.
Market Value Assessment:
For the above reasons, we estimate the Market Value of the subject property
on this date to be:
$____________
(Loan agents to fill in blanks with assistance of any real estate salesperson.)
I certify that I have not inspected, driven by, or even thought about the property that is the subject of this appraisal. I also promise that I will not interfere in any way with the expedient funding of this obviously worthy property.
___________________________________ ________________
Signature of advocating appraiser Date
BLOWN OFF COURSE
A newbie balloonist is blown off course and is forced to land. He is
in a field close to a road, but has no idea where he is. He sees a
car coming along the road and hails it. The driver gets out and the
balloonist says, “Howdy! Can you tell me where I am?”
“Yes, of course,” says the driver. “You have just landed in your
balloon, and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course.
You are in the top field on John Dawson’s farm, 12 miles from Albury.
John will be plowing the field next week and sowing wheat.
There is a bull in the field. It is behind you and about to attack
you.”
At that moment, the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over
the fence. Luckily, the balloonist is unhurt. He gets up, dusts
himself off and says to the motorist, “I see you’re an appraiser.”
“Good grief,” says the other man, “you’re right! How did you know
that?”
“I employ appraisers,” says the balloonist. “The information you
gave me was detailed, precise, and accurate. Most of it was useless,
and it arrived far too late to be of any help.”
ASK FOR A RAISE
“I have to have a raise in my commission,” the agent said to his manager. “There are three other companies after me.”
“Is that so?” asked the manager. “What other companies are after you?”
“The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.”
ETHICS EXAM
First Agent : Did you pass your ethics exam?
Second Agent: I passed my ethics exam. Of course I’ve cheated.
MY AGENT ALWAYS GIVES 100%
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday
IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK AT WORK
10. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
9. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.”
8. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the whiteout. You probably got here just in time!”
7. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”
6. “I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”
5. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?”
4. “Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
3. “The coffee machine is broken…”
2. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot…”
And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. ” …… AMEN!”
FOR SALE BY OWER
WHEN A real-estate agency hadn’t sold our house, we decided to do it ourselves. I placed ads in the local papers, spray painted a “For Sale” message on a sign board and posted it outside.
When my husband came home that evening, he told me, laughing, that my sign was the most truthful one he had ever seen. Confused, I rushed outside to take a look. In my haste I had printed - “For Sale by Ower.”
LETTERS TO A LANDLORD
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.
Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
A WALKING ECONOMY
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, “I’m a walking economy.”
The friend asks, “How so?”
“My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!”
